DEENA SKET CHAPTER 52

I held back my tears as I read the text. I put my phone off. I didnt wanna believe it. I just walked in the rain.
And then i stopped and put my phone back on and started cryin, it was rainin so hard as my phone rang. I was drenched and freezing.
I picked up the phone, "Sorcha."
"Deena," she was cryin, "where are you?".
"What happened," i asked. i was havin to shout, the wind was so loud, my hair was a mess, my make up was fucked, i felt so sick.
"Ryan's got bawed up," she sobbed, "my mums gone to the hopsital with his dad, deena come and be with me."

I held back my tears, "no," i said, "im not goin back to souf,".
"ok,ok," she cried, "but why not," she asked.
Even though damon and that lot were east man i didnt wanna be anywhere bait, i needed to be far away.
"Where's Ryan," i asked, "which hospital?".
"Kings," she sobbed and then she started cryin so loud, "he's gonna die."

I had never heard her cry so hard.
"Deena, why wont u comebe with me," she asked.
I was startin to shiver so hard, "sorcha, im not comin back to-"
then the line cut. the wind blew the phone out of my hand. it fell on the floor and i picked it up. I wasnt thinkin straight.

I took out Rochelle's adress, i ran into a phone booth and found a phone number for a cab. I called it.
I waited in the phone booth for it to come and when I saw it, i ran in. I gave the cab lady the adress.
West was so far, when the cab got to rochelles address, the fare was 50 pounds. It was an adress in Camden, this werent west, it was north west but it was just near baker street, like in between baker street and camden.
I got out of the cab and called her.
"Rochelle,im outside,".
I looked up at the big house and saw her from the window, she opened it and ran down. She opened the door. She looked at me and gasped.
"Babes come in."
She pulled me in and hugged me and closed the door.
"Deena," she said, "what happened."
She was in a nightgown. "Come upstairs," she said.

The way the house was, it was like there 3 floors and i think each person rented their own floor. Rochelle pulled me upstairs onto her floor. it had its own bathroom, toilet and bedroom, i think she shared a kitchen though.

She pulled me into the bathroom and dried me down with a towel. I was sobbing, she kept saying, "its gonna be ok, whatever it is."
Then she hugged me.
I sobbed so hard as i sat on the edge of the bath.
"Deena, what happened."
"Can i take a shower please,".
"Yeah yeah, ok use one of the blue towels, ill be in the room."

I got into the shower and cried. it felt so nice. it was so clean. You should have seen the amount of dirt that came off my body. My hair was so fucked, it was like bare frizzy. I got out of the shower, dried myself with the towel and walked to rochelles room.
"You ok?", she asked.
I nodded.
"Wear these pyjamas," she said. I got dresed in front of her. we both sat on the bed, it was so warm.
I told her everythin, except about Paula.
"A priest?", she asked.
I nodded, "and he tried to rape you?", she asked.
I nodded, "so i fucked him up," i said.

"Serves him right," she said, "why is a priesttrying to pay for sex."
She looked at me. "Rochelle, im tired of it all,".
She nodded, "I want to get away."
She looked horrified but not shocked when i told her about Damon, Icey and the rape and the initiation.

"I swear Deena," she said, "i know you're sad that ryans been stabbed, but hes just like these man who kidnap a woman and make a yout rape her to initiate him,."

She was wrong. Ryan wasnt like dem. "Deena, running away isnt the answer," she said, "i tried it, but until you sort out whats inside of you it dont matter where you go, you'll still be troubled,".

"But Rochelle," i said, "its too much, all this hype or this shit, i dont know what i would have done if i didnt have you adress, i would have done suttin stupid."
Then i started cryin.
She hugged me. I felt so safe. It was like bein held by my older sister.
"Dont worry about michelle," she said, "ill find another way to see her, just think about u."

I wasnt thinkin about michelle anyway.
"I need to go and see Ryan," i said.
"For what?!," she said, "Deena, this is your chance to move on, dont forget that ryan is the reason YOU were in hospital once, you had a miscarriage because he fucked u up, i lost a baby too uno."

I looked at her.
"I was pregnant, i didnt even know who the father was, i didnt even know i was pregnant and erm i was in dis club in central and the older sister of some guy that in the gang that raped me saw me there and fucked me up, i lost the baby and i cry it for bare, i never stop missin it, and it wasnt- it wasnt that long after i lost my mum," she said, she started cryin, she quickly wiped her tears.

"You're a fool if you still wanna be with him," she said, "you're a fool if you think he'll change, because like i told you, if a bredda hits you once, he'll hit u again, whats so attractive about him, does his sweet boy flex cancel out all the timeshes made u cry," she said.
I looked at her and said, "but he loves me."

"Deena, Ryan doesnt know how to love, none of the men in that family do, they're all sick men, ryans dad, my step dad, they're all the same, Ryans a road man pure and simple, dont forget that he used to be tight bredrins wiv the man who just raped an innocent woman in front of your own eyes, ill tell you this Deena, if you dont leave this lifestyle, it will kill you, too many mandem and chicks today cant see the bigger picture, it aint even about education, its about life, whats fulfillin about this lifestyle, always scared, the money aint worth it cos no sooner than the feds nab you its all gone, none of it is worth it, i was raped, punched, assualted so many times because of these road man that everyone's so hot for," she said.


I looked down, her room was so warm. her curtains were closed, "They looknang now Deena," she said, "they look nang now when they're makin that big p, when they're in their big whips and they're big on road but what happens in 20 years time, and thats if they're lucky, look at you- you're one of the most beautiful people ive ever seen and look at you, youve been fucked up so many times your eyes are dead, all for what- what has any of this, what have dese man ever done for you, look what you've lost deena- your friend, you cant even walk around without being shook someones gonna get u, what for Deena."

She looked at me and shook her head, "I see myself so much in you, i thought i was a big girl, rollin with all these man, uno how many people were shook of me and my girl sherice cos of who we knew, and now guess what,all them girls who were shook of me are in uni, they're doin productive things with their lives, i saw one girl i fucked up in year 10 today and when she saw me she was so nice even though I used to bully her and she's in uni and workin part time, yeah tru say im out of trouble but look at me, the only fing i have are gcses deena, thats it and i even fucked them up- too busy watchin man, too busy worryin about the rave next friday or what so and so said on facebook or what so and so said about me, none of that matters when you look back at it, where does it get you, where did it get me."


I tried my best to hold back my tears, "what am i gonna do," i cried.
"You're gonna free yourself" she said, "you're gonna love yourself enough to know that yeah you've made mistakes but you're young Deena, you're 18, how long do u wanna live for, if you aint plannin on dyin tommorow then you better stop feeling sorry for yourself and get it together."

I cried and put my head on her shoulder, she held me so tight, "I aint got noone," i said.
"Yes you do," she said, "you've got yourself, thats all you need, your bredrins have their own path to lead, theyve got their own lives, live for you Deena, dont watch what other people are doin, live for you, look what tryin to impress people did to both me and you, i would still have my mum if i didnt get involved with her-".
Then she kept quiet.
"I need to leave London," i said, "can you help me?".
She looked at me, "I'll help you, if you're willing to help yourself, you can never see Ryan, or Sorcha again, they're bad mind,"
I had never felt so safe, it was so warm in her room.

"Deena, these man on road dont care about anyfin," she said to me gently, "they will kill you, they dont feel anyway because they're animals, you see the man who have morals, the man who have sense, them man like Wiley, SB, The SN1 man, Bashy, Noel Clarke, Chipmunk, Tinchy, man like that, they are the ones who you need to be following if you're gonna follow man, you wont see them on road cos they know the only place the road takes you is to another road until that road takes you to pen or the cemetery, you seen that documentary on itv about wormwood scrubs, these are disturbed men, they started out like ryan, smurkz and fumez, they think they're bad, they think they're the shit, but they dont realize that they're wasting their lives, the worst thing is that some of them have youts, and i was one of them dumb girls who fucked them or almost had a baby, and even though i miss my baby, i know God made it so i didnt have it, Deena listen to me, there's a war and these man on road are going to lose, and the smart breddas, the ones with dreams and morals and hardwork are goin to win, these man who are so fucked in the head that they can stab people are the biggest pussies, they're animals, not even most anims kill their own kind, who the fuck kills their own kind,a lot of these man dont know how to cope with life, like they're just born, fed and thats it, they dont get any trainin and so thats how they do all these tings, they need help."

She hugged me.
"Im scared," i said.
"Alright," she said, "tommorow you're gonna go to wherever your clothes are and bring them here and then we'll sort something out,". I nodded, "when you go, you'll get a cab, you'll go straight there and come straight back, thats it."
I nodded.
"You hungry?", she asked.
I nodded, "you want some ackee and saltfish."
"You made it?", i asked.
"Deena, not to be rude, but once you taste my cookin, you'll wanna slap your nan."
We both started creasin.
We ate and then we watched Paid In Full. It was like sittin with someone id known all my life.
We went to bed.
The next morning, me and rochelle woke up and had breakfast. She let me borrow her clothes. I was rockin a baggy navy blue star in the hood jumper, black tights and white airforces.
"Get your stuff and come right back," she said, "dont go anywhere else, dont speak to noone,".

She called me a cab.
I got in it bare shook. It was around 9.30, the traffic wasnt bad. all my shit was at ryans house. I told rochelle it was at mine but if i did, she'd say i couldnt go, but i needed my stuff.
I got to Ryans house and unlocked the door with the key I had.
I walked up to the room and quickly packed my clothes in my LV suitcase. I called Rochelle and told her i was at my yard so she wouldnt worry and she told me to call a cab ten minutes before i was ready to come back so i didnt have to wait too long alone.
I walked around the house after packin and sat in the kitchen and poured myself some orange juice.
The door bell rang. Shit.
Omfg, what was i gonna do, who the fuck was it. oh my fuckin gosh, what if it was whoever shanked Ryan.
I walked to the door slowly and opened it.

"Guess who, bitch."